WHO HAS TIME TO RESEARCH THIS STUFF?
was elected to Congress in 1846.
A defense attorney
was cross-examining a police officer during
John F. Kennedy
was elected to Congress in 1946.
was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy
was elected President in 1960.
Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
particularly concerned with civil rights.
lost children while in the White House.
were shot on a Friday.
were shot in the head.
secretary was named Kennedy.
secretary was named Lincoln.
assassinated by Southerners.
succeeded by Southerners.
were named Johnson.
who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
were known by their three names.
are composed of fifteen letters.
shot at the theater named "Kennedy."
shot in a car called "Lincoln."
from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
A week before
Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before
Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
a felony trial
- it went like this:
did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but
I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender
running several blocks away.
who provided this description?
A. The officer
who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow
officer provided the description of this so-
Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with
Q. With your
life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you
have a locker
room in the police station - a room where you
change your clothes
in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we
Q. And do
you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I
Q. And do
you have a lock on your locker?
Little Johnny walked
into his dad'
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is
it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that
you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with
those same officers?
A. You see sir,
we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have
been known to walk through that room.
s bedroom one day only
to catch him
sitting on the side of his bed sliding
a condom onto his manliness
preparation for sex with his wife.
bent over as if to
look under the
Little Johnny asked curiously
"What ya doin dad?"
His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the
Little Johnny replied "What ya
gonna do, fuck him?
Your daily moment of
1. Do not walk
behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either; just leave me the
2. The journey of a
thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a flat tire.
3. It's always darkest
before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,
that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable;
if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening
until you make a mistake.
6. Always remember
you're unique, just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth
of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your
sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
9. It is far more impressive
when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think
nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you
criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when
you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
12. If at first
you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish
and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in
a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone
$20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don't squat with
16. If you tell the
truth, you don't have to remember anything.
17. If you drink, don't
park; accidents cause people.
18. Some days you are
the bug, some days you are the windshield.
19. Don't worry, it
only seems kinky the first time.
20. Good judgment comes
from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
21. The quickest way
to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your
22. Timing has an awful
lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.
23. A closed
mouth gathers no feet.
24. Duct tape is like
The Force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe
25. There are
two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
26. Generally speaking,
you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
27. Experience is something
you don't get until just after you need it.
28. Never miss a good
chance to shut up.
I'M BEING PAID TO SURF THE WEB & TO GO OUT ON DATES!
Ha! I've finally
found a way to get paid for surfing the web. Check it out and use our ID
as a reference when
goes to a new doctor in Washington for an examination and he discovers that
she has crabs.
He thinks to himself
'How am I going to tell the 1st lady that she has crabs?' After the exam
he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office.
Once there he proceeds
to tell her that she has a very unusual medical condition. She is quite concerned
and asks him what it is. He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease.
She says "What?" He again
responds "Nixon's Disease."
She says, "Level
with me doc, what does it mean?" He responds, "Well Mrs. Clinton, to put
it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your oval office.
"A man went to a doctor,
and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but
unfortunately he was too smart.
DECLINED FOR THE POST
The doctor asked him
his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the
procedure would have to involve the
removal of over half
of his brain.
The man insisted,
and since the doctor just happened to have a brand new laser device which
could zap just the right portions of brain tissue, the operation was
The laser was hooked
up to a computer which could monitor the man's
declining IQ on a nice
bright LED display. The doctor threw the switch and the numbers began
ticking off ... 95, 94, 93, ...
Suddenly the phone
rang. It was the doctor's wife. They gabbed for a few minutes,
the doctor forgetting completely about his patient.
When he hung up,
he suddenly realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter
tick down ... 6, 5, 4, ...
He ran to the machine
and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser was about to wipe out the
last remnant of brain. "Holy
moley!" exclaimed the
doctor, "What have I done? Speak to me. Say anything!" The man
looked at him and said, "I, George W.
Bush, announce my candidacy
for President of the United States..."
I'M GONNA PUT THIS ON
May Come in Handy
Here is a list of 11
things that many high school and college graduates did not learn in school.
In his book, Bill Gates talks about how feel-good, politically-correct teachings
created a full generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this
concept set them up
for failure in the
Life is not fair; get
used to it.
The world won't care
about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something
BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
You will NOT make 40
thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president
with a car phone,
until you earn both.
If you think your teacher
is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
Flipping burgers is
not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for
burger flipping; they called it opportunity.
If you mess up, it's
not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Before you were born,
your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying
cleaning your clothes
and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save
the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try "delousing"
Your school may have
done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they
have abolished failing
grades; they'll give
you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear
the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Life is not divided
into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested
in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
Television is NOT real
life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to
Be nice to nerds.
Chances are you'll end up working for one
A blonde walked into
her final exam very nervous. But when she received the test, she was relieved
to find out that it was a True or False exam. Immediately, she reached
into her purse and pulled out a coin. Each time she flipped the coin she would
write down an answer.
"What are you doing?"
the professor asked her.
"I'm figuring out the
answers," the blonde replied. To this, the professor just rolled his eyes
and looked away.
When she was done,
the professor announced that there were five minutes left to go. "Oh
my god!" she said in
an excited voice, and
started to flip the coin as fast as possible.
"My goodness," the
professor said, giving her strange look. "What on Earth are you doing
"What do you think?"
the blonde replied. "I'm checking my answers!"
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Helping HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 20 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:
: I Love You
: Te Amo
: Je T'aime
: lch Liebe Dich
: Ai Shite Imasu
: Ti Amo
: Wo Ai Ni
: Jag Alskar
Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma,
South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Mississippi and Kentucky
: Nice Tits
So the redneck comes home from work and finds his girlfriend packing
"Where you goin' honey?" he asks her.
She says, "I'm leaving you Alvin."
The girlfriend replies, "Because you're nothing but a perverted
"Hey," the redneck says, "those are pretty big words for a ten-year-old."
Red Buttons, appearing on Dennis Miller's Show, announced he was
80 years old but that 80 is not "old."
"Old" is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator
shoes, and you're barefoot.
"Old" is when the porn you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis."
"Old" is when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore
but just holds you up to the light.
"Old" is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker
opens the garage door nearest your car.
"Old" is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
"Old" is when your wife says "let's go upstairs and make
love," and you answer, "honey, I can't do both.
Brody came home from school one day and asked his mom, "Mom,
what is sex?"
His mom was flustered, but she knew this day would come, and
decided to be honest. She spent the next hour explaining
her son about the birds and the bees, and where babies came
When she was done her son smiled, pulled a questionnaire out
of his pocket and pointed to the word sex: "That's cool,
how am I supposed to get it all in this little box next to the
F and the M?"
A Helping Hand From Above
A priest is walking
down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press
a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is
very small and the
doorbell is too high for him to reach.
the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and,
placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over
and gives the doorbell
a solid ring.
Crouching down to
the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks,
"And now what, my
To which the
boy replies, "Now we run!"
A busty young thing
was trying on an EXTREMELY low cut dress. As she studied herself
in the mirror, she asked the sales lady if she thought it was too low cut.
"Do you have hair on
"No -- certainly NOT!!!"
"Then it's too low
A young man dies and
goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third
in line at the Pearly
Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting
the newly arrived to Heaven.
The angel tells
the three new arrivals that because so many drug
dealers and other criminals
have managed to sneak into Heaven that
St. Peter must now
be a little stricter with the screening process.
Each person is required
to state his former occupation and tell his
or her yearly salary.
The first man in
line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million
The angel says,
"Okay, you may enter." He turns to the woman in
line and asks her about
She states, "I earned
$150,000 as an attorney." The angel thinks
for a moment and then
lets her in, too.
He turns to the
third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your life?"
The man replies,
"I earned $8,000 last year . . ."
"Oh," the angel
interrupts. "What did you teach?"
Why is Bill Clinton
so reluctant to decide the fate of Elian Gonzalez?
time he made a decision about where to put a Cuban, he was
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