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OY-VEY by nebbishNebbish
Have they got a joke for you. Jewish humor at its worst. Mainly gleaned from other bums at the Brick Lane Beigel Bake over a pastrami sandwich and cold coffee. Otherwise overheard by our editor in saunas,at barmitzvahs,veddings or in the local brothel 
( Kosher, of course) .
Now believe it or not we have been featured on BBC Radio York. Then as you may know the Jews were expelled from York centuries ago.


ANNOYING CONDITION

A man comes to see the world-famous psychiatrist, Dr. Sigmund Freud.

"Doctor, I've been talking to myself."

"Don't worry about that," says the good doctor.  "Many people do that same thing."

"Yes," responds the patient, "but you don't know what a nudnik I am!"

Source:  Halis of Burra
LENA THE QUEEN OF PALESTEENA

It was back in the 1920's when Manhattan's show business fraternity began the exodus to Hollywood, seeking wider horizons on the silver screen.  In
1926, Lena, the Yiddish Theatre's "Queen of Palesteena," suddenly packed her bags and moved from New York to Los Angeles.

"How come you made such a sudden decision?" she was asked.

"Two reasons," explained Lena.  "Nobody lives in New York anymore, and
it's too crowded."
Source:  Henry D. Spalding


"Schneerson!"
        -- A substitute word instead of saying "Jesus!"
Replacing
"I'm the eighth fastest swimmer in the world!"

        -- Israeli Olympic swimmer Eithan Urbach, expressing optimism on finishing 8th out of 8 in the finals of the Men's 100m Backstroke.
Swimmingly,,
"Mr. Fein, can I have tomorrow off?  It's my golden anniversary."

"By God!  Will I have to put up with this every fifty years?" replied
Fein.
Cyclical,
"Reuben, stop making so much noise!" cautioned a six-year old's mother.

"Why, whatsamatter?" the boy shouted back from across the house.        -- Overheard in a Crown Heights row home, 2 doors down
SOPHIE'S PROBLEM
Sophie Blumberg went to see a psychiatrist about her husband (he wouldn't go with her).

"Doctor, My husband has this problem.  Almost every night now he's dreaming he's a refrigerator!"

"My dear, that is not really a problem!  A lot of people dream that they are somebody or something unusual..."

Sophie leans forward as she softly whispers this confidence:  "But you see doctor it is also a problem for me!  Morris sleeps with his mouth open and his little light keeps me awake!"
Source:  rubin


"The division between man and woman is not as important as the
multiplication."
        -- Grand Rabbi of Bucharest
Michael:  "Rabbi, I've come to ask for your daughter's hand."

Rabbi:  "That's fine, as long as it's the hand that's always in my
pocket."

        -- Rabbi Malcolm Schwartz of Los Angeles
FAMILY
Norman and Esther Melman of New Haven, CT, newly married friends of mine, were visiting us when the topic of children came up.
Esther said she wanted three children, while Norman said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband
thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second
child, I'll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moment's hesitation, his new wife retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

THREE WISE (WO)MEN

What would have happened if, instead of three wise men, it had been three wise women?  Specifically, if it had been three wise (local) Jewish women?

They would have asked directions (but taken their own anyway), arrived on time (despite massive and annoying detours), helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable, made a brisket, and brought practical gifts.

But what would they have said when they left?

"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that shmattes-for-a-gown?"

"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"

"Virgin?  I knew her in school!"

"Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in there!"

"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"

"And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"

"Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your brisket dish
back?"
 
 

Source:  YaMaHa


SEX AND INSURANCE

Sadie and Esther, two elderly widows, are sitting, eople-watching, in a Catskill hotel lobby.  "You know," says Sadie, "I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm.  Mutual orgasm here, mutual orgasm there, that's all they talk about.

Tell me, Esther, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

"No," says Esther, "I think we had State Farm."


A YARD OF COFFEE

A man who fancied himself a bit of a comedian was invited by a Jewish
friend to dine at a kosher restaurant.

Thinking to have some fun at the expense of the waiter, he ordered his meal and then said, "I'll have a yard of coffee."

Wordlessly, the waiter brought the food and then, without a change of
expression, he dipped his finger into the coffee cup and drew a wet line on the table, thirty six inches long.

The so-called comic was up to the occasion.  "Wrap it up," he said.  "I'll take it with me."

The silent waiter contemplated this turn of events.  Then he nodded,
extracted a paper napkin from the holder, blotted the "yard" of coffee,
and handed it to the insolent customer.

On the dinner check was added this item:
Coffee to go -- $.50
Container -- $1.00

Source:  Isaac Asimov
YOSSI THE BURGLAR

A burglar alarm sent out its piercing wail in the dark of a September
night in Tel Aviv, and the police arrived just in time to collar the
burglar, Yossi Feinberg, as he was leaving the premises with a big bag
full of loot.  Soon he was in court, facing a grim-looking judge.

"Did you have an accomplice?" asked the judge.
"What's an accomplice?" replied Yossi.
"A partner.  In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?"
"What else?" demanded the culprit.  "Who can get reliable help these
days?"
Source:  Servy Tude

THE JEWISH PARROT

Moskowitz had bought a parrot and one morning found the bird at the
eastern side of the cage, with a small prayer shawl over its head, rocking
to and fro, and mumbling.  Bending low to listen, Moskowitz was
thunderstruck to discover the parrot was intoning prayers in the finest
Hebrew.

(Well, it wasn't Pigeon Hebrew, anyway!)

"You're Jewish?" asked Moskowitz.

"Not only Jewish," said the parrot, "but Orthodox.  So will you take me to the synagogue on Rosh Hashanah?"

Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, was indeed only two days off, and it would as always usher in the high-holiday season which would end with Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, ten days later.

Moskowitz said, "Of course, I'll take you, but can I tell my friends about
you?  It isn't a secret, I hope?"

"No secret at all.  Tell anyone you want to."  And the parrot returned to
his praying.

Moskowitz went to all his friends, full of the story of his Jewish parrot.
 Of course no one believed him, and in no time at all Moskowitz was taking bets.  By Rosh Hashanah, he had a thousand dollars, all told, riding on the parrot.

Grinning, Moskowitz brought the parrot to the synagogue in its cage.  He put him in a prominent place and everyone turned to watch even as they mumbled their prayers.  Even the rabbi watched, for he had seventy dollars that said the parrot could not pray.

Moskowitz waited.  Everyone waited.  And the parrot did nothing. 
Moskowitz carefully arranged the prayer shawl over the bird's head, but the parrot ducked and the shawl fell off.

After the services, Moskowitz's friends, with much mockery, collected their money.  Even the rabbi snickered as he took his profit of seventy dollars.

Utterly humiliated, Moskowitz returned home, turned viciously on the parrot and said, "Prepare to die, you little monster, for I'm going to
wring your neck.  If you can pray, now's the time."

Whereupon the parrot's voice rang out clearly:  "Hold it, you dumb jerk. 
In ten days it's Yom Kippur, when all Jews will sing the tragic, haunting
Kol Nidre.  Well, bet everyone that I can sing the Kol Nidre."

"Why?  You didn't do anything today."
"Exactly!  So for Yom Kippur, just think of the odds you'll get!"

Source:  Isaac Asimov


YESHIVA UNIVERSITY

A young stranger in New York was seeking Yeshiva University but the many directions he had received only confused him and he became lost.  Luckily, he saw a scholarly old gentleman approaching him with a load of books under his arm.  He stopped the professorial man.

"Tell me, sir, how do I get to Yeshiva University?"

The old man deliberated the question for a moment or two and then replied, "Study, young man.  Constant study!"

Source:  Andy Carnegie
MAIL TO WARSAW
An elderly Jew walked up to the window at the main post office in Pinsk. 
"Excuse me," he began timidly, "but how often does the mail go from here to Warsaw?"

"To Warsaw?  Every day."

The old man was silent for a moment, and then asked, "Thursdays too?"

Source:  Jacob Reader



SCHWARTZDUMKOPF

A certain well-known retired U.S. Army General of Christian ancestry lost
his memory one day and believed he was actually Jewish.  Simultaneously,
he went a bit insane, and was institutionalized.

He argued that he must be served only Kosher food.  Finaly, unable to
avoid the extra work and expense, the director of the institution
acquiesced.

A few days later, on Shabbat, the director was strolling through the
grounds, when he came upon the same patient sitting in a chair and smoking
a cigar.

"Wait a minute, Schwartzkopf," he said.  "I thought you were so religious
that we had to bring in special food for you.  And now, here you are
smoking a cigar on Shabbat!?"

"But Doctor," Schwartzkopf replied.  "Did you forget?  I'm meshugah!"



I Live in hope that's somewhere in the vicinity of wishful thinking - Groucho Marx
"Moshe Dayan could not give back the captured Arab territories - they're all in his wife's name."    -- Saying after the Six-Day War

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:  "Of course I'm proud that you invented the
electric light bulb, Thomas.  Now turn off that light and get to bed!"        -- Every mother can be a Jewish mother



Miller the Furrier had a college educated son in his business.  Now they cross mink and kangaroo to get fur coats with pockets in them!

"Business is so bad, the customers are staying away in mobs."
        -- Hymmie's lament


Timothy said "My priest knows more than your rabbi!"
Replied Sammy, "Why shouldn't he?  You tell him everything!"

Shortly after the Six-Day War, Ralph Nader launched a campaign to provide Arab tanks with back-up lights.


"I recommended that you put sleeping pills in coffee so that the coffee doesn't keep you awake."
 A Jewish Mother's advice


Q:  What is the sound of one Jewish nerd praying?
A:  That, my son, is Zen Cohen.


Q:  Is one permitted to ride in an airplane on Shabbos?
A:  Yes, as long as your seat belt remains fastened.  Then it is considered as if you are wearing the plane.

Honey please just calm down , let me explain ....


This past season in New York, business was so bad the dress manufacturers were firing their sons-in-law.


A U.N. observer began chatting with an Israeli paratrooper.  "How many successful jumps have you made?" asked the United Nations guard?

"Every one of the jumps was successful," said the Israeli.  "I'm here!"



You heard about Morrie Cohen's son He's gay - he prefers women to money.


AFTER THE ARK

After the flood, Noah gets off the ark with all of the animals and tells
them to "Be fruitful and multiply!"

And so all the animals did.

Sometime later, Noah was walking through the forests and the fields and
saw that all the animals had built families.  All around he could hear the
sounds of little bears, little squirrels, little birds, and so on.  All
this pleased Noah very much, and he hummed a little as he walked, until he
happened on a particular river bank.  There were two snakes, with no
visible family.  Noah was astonished, and inquired how this could have
happened.  "Why haven't you multiplied?"

"It's like this," the snakes replied.  "We need a shelter.  If you would
go in to the woods and bring us a couple of logs..."

So Noah treks into the forest, cuts down a couple of trees and drags them
back down to the river bank, and then proceeds on his way.

After a while, Noah is making another tour of the land, and this time he
finds that the snakes have now built a family, and there are little snakes
all over the river bank.  "That's great!!" he exclaims.  "But can you tell
me why you needed the trees?  I mean, after all, none of the other animals
had any sort of house and they were all able to have kids.  What's the
deal?"

"Well, you see, Noah, it's like this." responded the snakes.  "We're
adders.  We need logs to multiply."
Source:  WhattadealJewish 


Movie Title:  "GIRLS INTERRUPTED: Women's section of shul shusshed 
during davening"


Jewish Movie Title:  "THE TALMUDIC MR. RIPLEY - Believe it or nor, he knows
gemorah"

"If I live, I'll see you Wednesday. 
If not, Thursday!"
        -- Yiddish Saying


"I got this dog for my husband.  I wish I could make a trade like that everyday."
        -- Rachel's Remark

Q:  Who is the first babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A:  David; he rocked Goliath to sleep.

Ann Dan, LA City School Coordinator, says she's certain that during a
Christmas celebration, one of the kids sang, "God rest ye, JerryMend elbaum!"
"To become a wealthy, legendary doctor, all you have to do is invent a
cure for which there is no disease."
        -- Dr. Arnold Epstein, Beverly Hills heart surgeon

Income tax-time is when you test your powers of deduction.
        -- Shelby Friedman
Motti said "I bought a Japanese radio."
Doron asked "But how can you understand the language?"

"I caught a very aristocratic moth.  It will eat holes only in full-dress suits."
        -- Rothschild's tailor


"I'm not bald.  I'm just too tall for my hair."
        -- Irwin Goldstein's bemusement
"Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies."

        -- Milton Berle
PASSING THE BUCK

Avrohom Mendel Nuchem was in a cab once and made some mild comment
concerning the size of the fare.

"So what?" said the driver offhandedly.  "You can afford it."

"I know," said Avrohom, trying to evade the connotation of being cheap,
"but my wife will make me feel guilty about it.  You know what Jewish
wives are like."

There was a short silence, and then from between clenched teeth, the taxi
driver said, "Italian wives, too."
Source:  Counter Attack



 
BAR MITZVAH CONNOISSEUR

Mr. Moskowitz was giving his oldest son, the pride and joy of his life,
the bar mitzvah, or confirmation, which all Jewish boys receive when they
attain their thirteenth year.  The bar mitzvahs given by the more affluent
Jews, it seems, have assumed many of the characteristics of parties given
by the wilder Roman emperors, but even on such a scale, the Moskowitz bar
mitzvah was noteworthy.

The guests were stunned by the magnificence and utter lavishness of
everything, from the fountain that yielded champagne to the three large
bands that played three different selections simultaneously.

But most magnificent of all was a gigantic bust of the young bar mitzvah
boy, true in every detail and molded out of gefilte fish.  It was so
beautiful the guests hesitated to attack it with knife and fork, as they
were obviously intended to do.

Mr. Finkelstein was particularly impressed.  Turning to Moskowitz (who was
observing the proceedings with a smug smile that hid an aching wallet),
Finkelstein said, "You are sparing no expense, I see, Moskowitz.  It
happens that I am a connoisseur of bar mitzvah art, and I can see at a
glance that you have commissioned the great Louis Shmelewitz to carve that
bust of your boy."

"That the bust is a great work of art, I realize," said Moskowitz, "but
that you are a great connoisseur of bar mitzvah art, I deny.  If you were
really a connoisseur you would know that Shmelewitz couldn't possibly have
carved that bust.  Shmelewitz, as every child should know, works only in
chopped liver."

Source:  Ohad the Opulent


WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT THE SHABBOS GOY?
IIn a large Florida city, the local rabbi developed quite a reputation for 
his sermons; so much so that everyone in the community came every Shabbos.

Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his 
nephew's Bar Mitzvah.  But he didn't want to miss The Rabbi's sermon.  So 
he decided to hire a "Shabbos goy" to sit in the congregation and tape the
sermon so he could listen to it when he returned.

Other congregants saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire 
"Shabbos goys" to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going 
to shul.  Within a few weeks time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul 
taping the Rabbi.

The Rabbi got wise to this.  The following Shabbos he, too, hired a Shabbos
goy who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecoded sermon machines.

Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of "artificial 
insermonation."
Source:  Ishy58TT


THE MARRIAGE BROKER

Mrs. Moskowitz had married off four of his children but the fifth was a 
problem.  Young Jake had no visible virtues that would make him a desirable
husband.  He had neither good looks, charm, intelligence, manners, nor 
conversation.  Yet it was unthinkable that he remain single.  Moskowitz 
stooped to the last resort and called in a marriage broker.
The marriage broker listened and said, "I have just the girl for the young 
man -- Zara Phillips."
"Who?"
"Zara Phillips.  The grand- daughter of Queen Elizabeth II of Great Britain."
"A shikseh?!"
The marriage broker sighed.  "Why the prejudice?  In these enlightened
times, what's wrong with a Gentile girl?  She comes from a good family, 
with very little anti-Semitism.  They fought Hitler, if you'll remember. 
They have the very best social connections.  They're wealthy and the 
princess is a real beauty.  See.  I'll write the names down together."

Suiting action to words, he painstakingly wrote Jacob Moskowitz in his 
little book and right below it, Zara Phillips

Moskowitz had to admit the names went well together, but he said, "You 
don't understand.  I have to consider my old aunt.  She is extremely pious.
 If she found out Jake was marrying a shikseh, she'd go out of her mind."

The marriage broker put away his little book.  "Let me talk to her."

An appointment was arranged, and for hours, quite literally for hours, the 
marriage broker pleaded, stormed, raged, cajoled, and slowly broke down the old lady.

Her faded eyes awash with tears and her little chin trembling, the aunt 
said at last, "Well, maybe you're right and I shouldn't be so 
old-fashioned.  If, as you say, the girl is a fine girl, and if she will 
make Jake happy, and if the children will be brought up Jewish, all right.
For myself, I can always move out of town and change my name so no one will know my shame.  Go ahead; I will make no objection."

The marriage broker nodded gleefully and staggered out of the room.  The 
session had worn him out and left him but a shell of his normal self. 
Emerging into the street, he opened his little book to the page on which
both names had been written.  He put a firm checkmark after the name Jacob 
Moskowitz and said, with a huge and tremulous sigh of relief, "Half done!"
Source:  Royal T.
THE JEWISH COUNTRY CLUB

Danny Thomas, that excellent comedian of Lebanese extraction and the proud 
possessor of a majestic hooked nose, told his audience once of having been 
honorary member at a country club reserved for Jews only.  It was because 
of his own Christianity that he could not become a real member, and he 
remained a guest only.

He argued with the membershi pcommittee, pointing out that by restricting
membershi on religious grounds they were every bit as bigoted as were those
country clubs who would not admit Jews.  To set an example they ought to 
nonrestrict membership.

Finally, and reluctantly, the members of the country club agreed, and such 
artificial restrictions as race and religion were lifted.  Rejoicing, Danny Thomas rushed down to be the first Gentile to join as a member under the new dispensations -- and was refused!
Astounded, he said, "But why?"
And he was told.  "Because we're going to a lot of trouble to let in Gentiles, and if we're going to let in Gentiles, we want them at least to look like Gentiles!"
Source:  TruthBeTold


MOISHE THE FURNITURE MAN

My cousin Moishe owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses
in Miami, a furniture store.  I convinced him that he needed to take a
trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself, and because he was
still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women, and maybe get
lucky.
As Moishe was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a
beautiful young lady... she only spoke Italian and he only spoke English,
so neither understood a word the other spoke.

He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi.

She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park.

Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark
and she nodded, so they went to dinner.

After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted.  They went to
several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening.

It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a
picture of a four-poster bed.

Moishe was dumbfounded, and to this day remarks to me that he's never be
able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.


THE FILTHIEST WOMAN

After taking off her clothes for an examination, Mrs. Greenberg sat on the
table.

"Lady," said the doctor, "I have to tell you that you are by far the
dirtiest, filthiest, most unclean woman I have ever examined in my life!"

"How d'ya like that!" said Mrs. Greenberg.  "The doctor I went to
yesterday said the same thing!"

"Then why did you come here?"

"I wanted to get a  second opinion!" answered Mrs. Greenberg.
Source:  Larry Wilde


SEARCH FOR HUMOR
HumorSearch.com is the Web's only humor search engine and leading online humor community.  Use the search feature below to search the web for humorous content. While you are there, check out some of the other many attractions HumorSearch.com has to offer.

 
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS - REVISED FOR LOVE

I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me.

II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me
behind my back.

III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy.  Or else.

IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too darned weird.

V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me
embarrassed to be seen with thee.

VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if
thou knowest what's good for thee.

VII. Thou shalt not steal from my purse/wallet while I am in thy bathroom,
nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone.

VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.

IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor's house.

X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Squeeze, nor son or daughter, nor
stereo, nor BMW.

Source:  Sloppy Lori Secondhand



HOW FINKELSTEIN GOT RICH

Finkelstein had made a huge killing at the races and Moskowitz, quite
understandably, was envious.
"How did you do it, Finkelstein?" he demanded.
"Easy," said Finkelstein.  "It was a dream."
"A dream?"
"Yes.  I figured out a three-horse parlay, but I wasn't sure about the
third horse.  Then the night before, I dreamed an angel was standing over the head of my bed and kept saying, 'Blessings on you, Finkelstein.  Seven times seven blessings on you.'  When I woke up, I realized that seven times seven is forty-eight and that horse number forty-eight was Heavenly
Dream.  I made Heavenly Dream the third horse in my parlay and I just cleaned up;  I simply cleaned up."

Moskowitz said, "But, Finkelstein, seven times seven is forty-nine."

And Finkelstein said, "So YOU be the mathematician."
Source:  Off-Track Betty


RASTAFARI OR JEWISH?
Harry Oakes, an English comedian, had a Rastafari father and a Jewish mom.Being a young child, one day he asked his mom if he was Rastafari or 
Jewish.

She said "Well, you're both."

Harry replied, "That's no good.  I need to know.  Am I Rastafari or
Jewish?"

"Why is it so important than you know, Harry?" asked his mom.

"Because," Harry continued, "A kid in school offered me his bike today."

"What on earth does a kid in school offering you his bike have to do with 
being Rastafari or Jewish?"

"Well," said Harry, "I didn't know whether to take it from him outright or 
knock ten pounds off the price!"

Source:  Harry Oakes on Sky News


THE TAILOR'S TIME
Jones had ordered a suit from a neighborhood tailor who had been highly recommended to him, but considerable time had passed and the suit had not yet been delivered.
In rather a passion, Jones stepped into the tailor's shop to have it out. 
He said, "See here, Mr. Levy, you promised to let me have the suit in two 
weeks, and four weeks have already passed."

"I'm working.  I'm working," said Mr. Levy.  "The suit is hanging right 
there.  It's almost finished."
"Almost finished?  But why does it take you so long, Mr. Levy?  The good 
Lord make the whole world in only six days."

Mr. Levy put down his needle, stood up, and said, "Come here, mister.  I 
want you should feel the material on this suit I am making for you.  Okay?
Now I want you should come to the window and take a look at this phooey world."
Source:  TruthBeTold


JAKE AND SADIE
Jake came home from a hard day's work, sat down at the kitchen table, and said to his wife, "Sadie, for once in your life don't start with your 
troubles.  Ask, instead, what happened to me at business.  Ask, already, what kind of day I had.  Go ahead, ask.  Just ask..."
Whereupon Sadie asked apprehensively, "So what happened, Jake?"
Then, Jake buried his head in his hands, and said, "What happened?  Oh, Sadie, better you shouldn't ask!"
Source:  Roth S Oshins

AIR RAID PRIORITIES
The air-raid siren went off in Haifa.  A woman rushed down the stairs 
toward the basement.  Suddenly she noticed that her husband had not 
followed her down.  "Come on, Sidney," she yelled.
"Just a minute!" answered the husband.  "I gotta get my teeth!"
"Never mind your teeth!" the wife shouted back.  "What do you think they're dropping - pastrami sandwiches?"
Source:  Larry Wilde


ABE BERNSTEIN
Three older Jewish gentlemen were talking after services one Saturday when the name of a mutual acquaintance came up.

"Did you hear about Abe Bernstein?  He got involved in a bad business deal and lost all of his money.  He came to me for a loan, but I turned him down.  I told him if he can't manage his own money, why should he have 
mine?" said Oscar.

"Ah, yes," replied Melvin.  "Abe Bernstein's son was to marry my daughter, but I called the wedding off.  When Abe came to see me I told him that with no family business to run, how could his son support a wife?"

"Listen," interjected Morris, "Abe Bernstein came to see me too, and I put him back on his feet." Melvin and Oscar looked at him in amazement.  "How did you do that?" they gasped.
"I repossessed his car."
Source:  Terrill Mark


Sadie &  Sidney
Sadie and Sidney were well into their eighties, their savings had slowly dwindled down to very little. Sidney blamed Sadie. " It's all your fault you have overspent. You will have to go and find the money"
Sadie: " At my age how can I make money?"
Sidney " You could go out on the Streets and hustle"

The next morning at 6am Sadie rose and went out to work- at 4am she came back- dirty, dishevelled, a complete wreck.
Sidney " Well Sadie How did you make out?"
Sadie: " I made $24 10cents."
Sidney :"Tell me Sadie Who gave you 10 cents?"
Sadie " Everyone gave me 10 cents"
Source: Bella Bath


THE STEAK

Benny Kaufman had told all his friends about the delicious steak he'd
eaten in the Delancey Street restaurant the day before.  So they decided
to go down there and see if it was really as large and delicious as he
said.  But much to their disappointment, the waiter brought them the
tiniest steak they'd ever seen.

"See here, my good man," Benny barked.  "I was in this restaurant
yesterday and you served me a big juicy steak, and now today, when I've
organized a party, you serve such a small one."

"Yes, sir," replied the waiter.  "But yesterday you were sitting by the
window."
Source:  Jack Kraft


SAM AND GILDA SHAPIRO

Sam and Gilda Shapiro are having marriage problems.  After counseling with
their rabbi they decide to just end their union.  After a most brief
attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you
are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been back together, we haven't
been able to agree on one thing."

The wife interjects, "Seven weeks, your honor!"

Source:  Marsha in Texas


 GET PAID TO DATE
So now I can be paid to go out on a date. This I have to see to believe. Will it be with a nice Jewish boy? They say it is with a high flyer. Stephen Spielberg or Bill Gates? Come and get me.



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